I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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