she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
