all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
