He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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