apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
