I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
