it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
