I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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