I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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