i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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