She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
