I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
