I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
