I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
