It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Couch. On fire.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
