Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
