She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
