"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
