I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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