Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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