i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
