a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
