I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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