So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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