I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
no you cant smoke seaweed
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize