A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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