I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
