He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
