I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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