so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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