just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
