What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
