my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
