you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
