We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
