Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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