she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize