I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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