there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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