This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
