A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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