Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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