He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
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