I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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