My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
