Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
