i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
