I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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