9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
