did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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