Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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