i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
