New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
