I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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