Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
