you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
