I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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