Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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