I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
