Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Girls should come with a carfax report
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
