I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
