and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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