Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
